I didn’t know I was an emotional eater.
I didn’t know that I so often turned to food as a coping mechanism. I didn’t know I used it to satisfy and fulfill me. I didn’t know it was my way of escape.
It’s actually super obvious to me now, I don’t know why I never recognized it. I sneak food (that I don’t let my kids have) when when they are driving me crazy or making me angry or stressing me out. Usually some type of sugary snack or chocolate seems to make the moment feel better. Something that’s just for me to keep me going.
Don’t get me wrong, eating your favorite things and enjoying a little “me” time is perfectly okay... if done with the right intentions and without neglecting what Jesus is hoping to reveal to you in that moment.
Since my eating habits are under a microscope this month, I have been shocked by the number of times I have had the opportunity to engage with the Spirit when I would have otherwise engaged with food. I could not even count the number of wasted moments these past few years of motherhood if I tried. Times when I could have cultivated patience, practiced listening to the Spirit, grown in compassion, lifted up others in prayer, or sought the Lord’s will for my current situation.
I am saddened by the closeness I could have with Jesus if I had just sought to find my satisfaction in Him during those overwhelming moment instead of in food.
Truth be told, I have broken the fast. Some out of desperation, but some for the purpose of celebrating. It’s weird how I can feel the Holy Spirit tell me when it’s okay to eat more than 7 and when it’s not.
We went to a catered rehearsal dinner for some friends of ours at a restaurant, we also went out for Father’s Day. I felt no guilt and complete freedom in celebrating these special people in my life over a meal at the table. But it’s those moments when I am tempted to eat something ‘just because’ or because I feel like I deserve it or because I want to check out and have a break from reality…those are the moments I start relying on food to satisfy a need in my soul rather than Jesus.
To satisfy my need for control.
To satisfy my desire for comfort.
To satisfy my wish for escape.
It’s easier to mindlessly reach for food instead of attacking these feelings head on and letting the Holy Spirit do His work in me.
We appropriately read Luke 4 this week.
Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, left the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, where for forty days He was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them He was hungry.
The devil said to Him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone.’”
These verses definitely held more weight this week than ever before. It seems even silly to compare my eating of a limited amount of foods that I enjoy and provide my body with it’s needed nutrients to Jesus’ zero food for 40 days, but man can I relate. I am hungry. These calories burn up quick, and I just want to keep eating.
I’m used to eating more, being more full.
But how often to I go back for more of Jesus, more of the Spirit? How used to am I of being filled with His goodness? Do I even crave His presence? Do I even believe He can satisfy me?
I could just choose to keep eating, but that would be choosing to be lacking in all areas besides weight. I would lack knowledge, discipline, and experiences with the Father as I have been choosing to do for so long. And I don’t think I want to go back to that.
Food cannot create in me a more gracious mother and a more attentive wife.
And I am not willing to sacrifice what the Lord is wanting to reveal to me during my daily difficulties for a sweet and passing taste.
I don’t need it. I need more of Jesus.
in grace,
Kate