Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
My husband prayed this verse over me one night and I was up thinking about it. I had studied this verse with a group of high school girls a couple years ago, but it just finally seemed to make a lot of sense hearing my husband speak it over me.
I know I haven’t experienced suffering like many have. But that doesn’t make my hardships any less important or valid to my own story or the ways God will use them for His Glory. I’ve had a hard few years personally. Becoming a young mom was not easy. I didn’t have friends to talk to about it and no one to walk with me through it. It was lonely and isolating. It’s actually really hard not to be envious of the camaraderie I see other new moms have, all having their kids at the same time because they waited until they were older. I had to figure things out alone for the most part. I made friends through motherhood, but missed that special bond of walking through this chapter with an already well-known friend. Someone that I could confide in from the beginning, who would understand and be supportive.
I’ve experienced PPA and PPD. I’ve had more mentally unhealthy days than not. It was a season of suffering.
There have been many times where people asked me “How I do it?” I usually responded with, “I do it because I have to.” In the midst of all this crazy, there was a season where I felt like I had to tell myself over and over to just keep going. There are things that I have to do, have been entrusted to do. Even when I’m tired or unmotivated or sad or anxious, people still need me to show up. So I do. No matter how I'm feeling, I’m a wife and mother, and both of those come with responsibilities that can’t be waved. So, perseverance through the struggle must go on. Suffering doesn’t mean the world stops or my responsibilities go away. It means I have to learn and adapt and lean into God’s strength to keep me going.
Somewhere along the line of perseverance through suffering, character develops right under our noses. We don’t usually see it or even believe it. I’m usually baffled when people see something in me other than an exhausted train wreck because that’s how I generally feel. I’ve forgotten most of the verses I’ve memorized, and I’m not in scripture every day, but if I really look at myself, I’ve grown. I know my experience of Jesus has been deeper and richer than ever before. My “standards” of spirituality and faith and being a good Christian have changed so much over the years. It took me a while to accept that different was okay, in fact, in many ways different is better. Though all the boxes might not get checked every day, I've grown in love. I’ve grown in patience. I see God in ways I used to not. Who I am has changed, my character has changed, and honestly I’m still learning about myself. But when I recognize His work in my heart, I see it.
Hope.
Honestly, this used to be a bad word for me. In the thick of anxiety, I really didn’t have hope. In fact, I hated hope. I wished I had it, but I didn’t and couldn’t even dream of day when I would feel it again. Hope seemed to have betrayed me over and over. I didn’t dare to hope. But recently hope has creeped in without me even knowing. It’s hard. It’s scary. It seems new and foreign. But I’m believing hope, trusting hope. Yes, there is risk of disappointment, I know that. I’m choosing to press in anyway. Believe anyway. Trust anyway. I know God is painting the picture of my life, and there has to be shadows to accentuate the light.
I can feel that hope is okay, that goodness and mercy are coming. So I’m holding on to hope.
In grace,
Kate