I turned 29 this month. I haven’t said a whole lot about it.
Honeslty, it was really weird. And not because of quarantine.
I just felt really down about it. I’m 29, and I really don’t know what I’m doing. I feel behind, I feel like its too late, and I’m too old to start something. I’m not who I want to be or where I want to be. I was feeling all the feelings about it and just got in this terrible funk.
Every year, for probably 10 years now, we do an encouragement session on our birthdays. Whoever is gathered to celebrate (or this year on Marco Polo), gives some words on how they have seen the birthday person grow and change over the year. It’s uplifting and beautiful and there are almost always tears.
My husband says I’m hard to encourage. And he’s right. I honestly just do not believe people when they say kind things to me. It’s not because I think they are lying or anything like that. It’s because if I don’t believe it about myself, or if I see myself differently, I think, “If they really knew me they wouldn’t think those things.” It’s like, “That’s nice and all, but I know the truth. You’re just biased or seeing me through some faulty lens that makes me appear better than I actually am. I’m really not that good. I’m actually kind of terrible.”
I pretty much doubt everything about myself, and I’m really hard on myself.
I understand that this is not good.
And I’m working on it. I’m working on shifting this mindset of “if I don't believe it, it’s not true.” Because I know that sometimes others can see the real you better than you can.
I know because I’ve been that person encouraging someone else because I KNEW who God made them to be. I’ve seen the beauty and the mess, just as He does, and still knew it was good. I’ve looked people in the eyes and called out lies and spoke in truth. Sometimes an outside perspective has a clearer view of the whole picture. They can see the growth despite the pain.
So why don’t I believe this is true when others speak life into me?
I should. It’s not fair to them and the Holy Spirit working in them. Who am I to dismiss the words that the Father wants me to hear?
And maybe that’s where I’ve been missing it, viewing others’ words as just someone saying something nice because they don’t know better instead of trusting that God is speaking. Because honestly, I’ve been wondering where He is. I’ve been wondering if He cares, what He has for me, am I doing the right thing, do I have what it takes, is He proud of me? And maybe, He’s been answering those questions all along, and I just didn’t know it.
I’m sorry, friends, for dismissing your kind words, for not fully believing. I’ve always hoped they were true and that one day I could measure up to them. But maybe instead of doubting, I should take hold of those words and believe them with every bone in my body. Trust that those closest to me, who know me better than anyone, might actually know what they are talking about. That maybe they see more in me than I can. And maybe then I’ll see those things in me myself.
I wonder what my life would look like then.
In grace and truth,
-Kate
This year, I wanted to write down some of the words that stood out to me, not to toot my own horn (obviously I don’t think that) but to remind me of who others say I am, who God says I am.
[I am taking hold of these words: rock, cornerstone, anchor, supporter, strength giver, authentic, faith, resilient, do hard things with grace, courageous, speak truth boldly with humility and vulnerability, voice, wise, witty, how I process through difficulty speaks courage]