How do you say no to something you really want, even when you could easily say yes? Would saying yes require hard work? Of course, but aren’t dreams worth it?
It’s honestly heartbreaking to let go of a dream, like letting go of a handkerchief in the wind and watching it float away, wherever the breeze takes it. You could have held on, but instead you let go.
And I don’t mean letting go as a means of self-sacrifice, to show some pseudo-humility or martyrdom. But knowing something deep down is keeping you from snatching it up right away. Not fear or doubt or worry. But this feeling that it isn’t quite right, even though you can’t imagine anything better. You could, but maybe you shouldn’t. Discernment.
But even still, it’s hard.
My heart is in an aching season. One that I feel like I know all too well. I’ve had these dreams that are fleeting, that I really didn’t want to be. It’s like I get a glimpse of something that would be really special to me, reach for it, and it’s gone. I wonder why I ever had the glimpse in the first place. This isn’t something that happens often, it’s not like I’m looking around, discontent, wishing for all these things. It’s only happened a few times in my life, where these things that would be so sweet to my heart, pop-up only to vanish away. To me, they aren’t even “big” things, like I’m not imagining a million dollars or asking for huge miracles. Just simple, precious things.
And because of my disappointment, I have created a false picture of who God is. I was talking to Greg a couple nights ago and finally was able to describe how I feel. And it’s pretty comical, so Greg definitely laughed before speaking some truth. So here it is. Do you remember this State Farm commercial?
Funny, right? Except when you think of God as the old man with the fishing pole. Yikes. Talk about a wrong view. But this is unfortunately where I’m at. I obviously know this is not representative of God’s heart or character at all. But in my disappointment, I feel teased.
Because of past hurt, I really haven’t dreamed in a long time. it seemed utterly pointless, like the universe was blocking any sort of step in any direction. I have been asking and praying about this off and on for a few years, but again more whole-heartedly recently. And then when this new idea came about, I thought, “God, is this You? Is this why everything else hasn’t happened? Is this what You have planned for me?” I felt some hope, I felt seen.
But then the ‘no.’ It stung in a deep way, and I’m having trust issues all over again.
At this point, I cannot tell say that everything is better. I am not over it. I am in the middle of it. I want so badly to believe in the goodness of the Lord. I know it’s there. I know it’s who He is. I know He has things planned and cares for my seemingly insignificant desires. But my heart is sad, and I just really need Him to show it to me. To be the tender Father I know He is.
dark chocolate ganache tart with Italian meringue.
A month or more ago I made this for the first time, with no real expectations besides just wanting chocolate. And when it came out so freaking amazing that even my husband, who generally passes on chocolate dessert, requested it for his birthday next spring, I knew I had to make it again and share with you all. It is mostly easy…the meringue is the most difficult part. I also use my scale to weigh and measure most of it. I’ll add the rough equivalents in volume, but know that’s not how I usually do it. Also, this can easily be made dairy free!
Sweet short pastry crust:
125g / 1 cup flour
50g / 1/3 cup powdered sugar
50g / 3 tbsp butter (or dairy free butter)
30g / 2 tbsp egg, lightly beaten
2g / 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Dark chocolate ganache Filling:
1 cup heavy cream or coconut cream
8 oz. dark chocolate chunks (I grab mine from Aldi)
2 tbsp butter
Italian meringue:
40 g egg whites
100g sugar
30 ml water
Start by making the crust. Combine the dry ingredients in a mixer with a paddle attachment. Add the cubed butter and mix until it is like course crumb texture. Add your egg, salt, and vanilla and mix until the dough comes together. Wrap and chill for 45 minutes.
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Roll out the dough on a slightly floured surface. There will be JUST enough to fill your tart pan. It will be rather thin and delicate, so be careful. Bake the crust for
While the crust is baking, bring your cream to an almost boil on the stove. It will look like ripples going across with the edges of the pan starting to sizzle. Remove from heat and add the chocolate. Stir until it is almost all melted, then add the butter and stir until completely melted. Let the filling cool a little while the crust also cools. Add the filling to the crust and chill in the fridge for a couple hours until the ganache has completely set.
If you would like to top with meringue and some fresh fruit, I highly recommend it. Bring your egg whites to room temperate and place in the bowl of a mixer with the whisk attachment. Meanwhile, add the sugar and water to a sauce pan and bring to a boil. You will need a thermometer for the sugar syrup. When the sugar mixture reaches about 200 degrees, turn on the mixer and get your egg whites to a soft peak stage. This takes some multitasking because you will want to remove your sugar syrup between 245-250 degrees, and slowly pour into your soft-peak egg whites. Mix until firm peaks form. Meringue should be glossy!
Spoon your meringue on top. I love to sprinkle with a little cinnamon and top with either strawberries or raspberries! It is truly so good.
Product Spotlight: My Supplement Line-up
Ningxia, Mineral Essence, Super B
I really wanted to share my daily supplements with you all this week. I struggle the most with energy from various different reasons, and these help me tremendously when I feel like I can’t function.
Ningxia: Whole food juice supplement. This juice is made from goji berries and is full of antioxidants. Feeling under the weather or worn down, just 2 ounces a day can make a huge improvement. Ningxia Red supports immune function, liver function, & eye health & is reported to increase energy. It is rich in ellagic acid, polyphenols, flavonoids, vitamins, & minerals. In addition, it has 18 amino acids, 21 trace minerals, beta-carotene, & vitamins B1, B2, B6, & E. It is an excellent whole-food source of nutrients that gives energy & strength to the body without harmful stimulates. It also has an amazing low glycemic index of 11 that does not spike the blood sugar levels.
Mineral Essense: According to two-time Nobel Prize winner Linus Pauling PhD. "You can trace every sickness, every disease, and every ailment to a mineral deficiency." Ionic minerals are the most fully and quickly absorbed form of minerals available. Minerals are critical to enzyme function, hormone production, bone building and breakdown, creating long luxurious hair and nails, and transmission of nerve signals. I add a few droppers of this into my Ningxia everyday. It has a spicy kick but it is worth the taste. My body feels so much less sluggish when I incorporate mineral essence into my routine.
Super B: This amazing, energy-boosting, adrenal-supporting source of goodness may be just what you are looking for. A huge support for mood, cardiovascular health, and the brain, many find that a new level of function is possible when feeding their body with this folate (not folic acid) source of B complex, nutmeg, and minerals.