part 1: wanting Rowan
When Kent was born, it was a great joy but also a great sadness for me. We had agreed we were done having children but my heart was not fully ready. Each first and last of his was a mourning in me. I wanted to hold on so badly but time kept going and he kept growing. The last time I nursed him I cried believing I’d never be that close to a babe again. I had accepted it but was grieving too. A deep longing in me remained and in the past couple years, it only grew stronger.
I found myself always looking for someone missing. I remember distinctly one morning loading up the car with the kids to head out. I stood half way between the house and the car waiting - just patiently looking for one more little head to pop out of the door and run to the car. After a couple minutes, Greg called from the car and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was waiting for all the kids. He told me they were all in the car and waiting for me. Very confused, I peeked in and saw them. I wasn’t convinced so I counted them. Hm. Yep, all four were there but it just didn’t feel right. This same thing kept happening. They would all four be in front of me but I’d frantically be looking around for the one that was missing.
I began to pray that Greg and I would be on the same page. Either with me feeling content, without the longing for another child, or for him to desire to have more. Whatever page it was, I would be at peace. I just wanted our family to feel complete.
One early December day in 2022, my period was late. I didn’t think anything of it. I’ve been tracking my cycle for 7 years and never was my app off by more than a day or two. I was a religious tracker and it had been working for us for 7 years…I just needed to wait another day. Day 3 came along and I got curious. I pulled out my app to check when my last ovulation was. There were absolutely no attempts at baby making that whole week, I know because it was Thanksgiving, and we were visiting family. I told Greg but again, was fully convinced my cycle was just weirdly late. Then day 4 happens and Greg wants some answers. I probably would have just kept waiting but he needed to know. So he brought me home a test.
When it was positive, I was utterly shocked. Like the math was not mathing, ya know. I again checked my app, wondering if I entered something wrong but it just didn’t make sense. I had no idea how to feel. Should I be happy or scared or excited or worried? How would Greg feel? He was very certain about our family being complete. What about my parents and our families or our friends? How would they respond to hear there is a fifth child joining us? I knew there would be judgment, I’d already received so much with four kids, and that kept me from celebrating whole-heartedly. I was not ready to share and kept the news close to my heart and a few others who knew heart too.
I had no idea what this journey would hold. I knew what I wanted it to look like and what I was afraid could happen again. It began another round of learning how to trust and have confidence in the Lord, with all new things. I had to believe that this baby would be loved and accepted by all around her. To not feel misplaced or left out or forgotten. I want her growing up knowing that she was a missing piece to our family and our world, someone that is needed and so deeply cherished.
I am excited to share bits of our journey with her and hope it can bring encouragement and rest to this world.