For the past several years, I’ve been wanting to write consistently. Just to share thoughts and fun things and deep things too. I’ve always seemed to have roadblocks, whether outside circumstances prevented me or my own mind and fears. I’ve just felt held back in one way or another. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and I feel like if I can’t do something the way I envision it, there is no point in doing it at all. I basically want to start out perfect and not have to go through the disciplines, the failures, and the learning it takes to actually be good at something…even something like writing a blog once a week. I know that I suck at consistency. I have no idea how to design things to make them pretty. I also feel like I have nothing to say when I actually sit down to produce something. I basically already know I’m going to fail, or not live up to my expectations, so why start anyway?
I trust/believe myself more than anything or anyone to a fault. If I don’t think I can do something, I can’t. If I believe I can, I can. What I think about myself is what matters most to me, which I know produces wounds in my own heart. I have some deep rooted wrong beliefs, even about the Lord’s kindness and graciousness to me. I have a hard time believing His truths and promises over my life. It’s also one of the reasons why compliments are hard for me. If I don’t believe what you are saying for myself, I am inclined to think people are just being nice instead of genuine. What a weird, self-deprecating pride, to dismiss kindness, generosity, and love because I believe I’m the only one who can be right about who I am. I’ve been asking the Lord to soften my heart recently. Soften it to Him, to others speaking His truth to me, and to myself.
So anyways, this blog is a step in being vulnerable, opening myself up to weakness, a way to trust God over myself. What I want for this space is a weekly newsletter of sorts. I’ll be sharing thoughts I’ve been mulling over, scripture that the Lord is teaching me through, favorite recipes and products. Maybe even some funny memes…I have a pretty weird/great sense of humor that doesn’t come out that often. So I hope you find comfort and encouragement here.
-Kate