Discipline is one of the hardest areas of parenting in my opinion. There are several times a day that I just don't know what to do. It is so easy to let my own emotions and selfishness dictate how I respond to my children when they misbehave. If I am tired, or preoccupied, or upset about a different situation, it often comes out in bad parenting. I will always be the first to admit that I am not a phenomenal parent. I struggle so hard (especially with my 3 year olds!). There are behaviors that I see in my children that I know have come from my quick reactions to them. So how do we parent more effectively?
First, I really think we need to find some Biblical standard to parent from. The book Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles That Can Radically Change Your Family by Paul David Tripp is so wonderful! Also The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. Prayer is so important to lead us into the right perspective of parenting.
As we look to our children specifically, considering their stage of development is incredibly important. We cannot expect more than what they are capable of. Spend some time looking into developmental milestones: cognitive, motor, social-emotional. This will give such a better understanding of where your child is.
Next we need to consider what if there are any physical factors that may have caused a behavior. Being tired, hungry, having a change in schedule, or even being bored can be root causes of misbehavior. Being attentive to your child's needs can stop some unwanted actions.
I also think it is important to sympathize with our children, even when they do something wrong. Children have real emotions even if they are irrational or cause incorrect behavior. It is our job as parents to teach our kids how to recognize, understand, and deal with emotions. Like adult, children really crave being understood. My daughter repeats and repeats herself until she knows that I have fully grasped what she is trying to tell me. It is important to do this when disciplining our children.
As far as practical discipline steps, each child is different. I know this first hand from raising my twins, they respond to different things. It is so important to be a student of your child. Let them teach you about themselves.
A really great resource for this is www.ConsciousDiscipline.com. It started as a curriculum for the classroom, but now has books for parents. It is a great tool!
We always try to give natural and logical consequences to behaviors. If they throw their food on the ground, they have to clean it themselves. If they abuse their toys, it gets taken away. When dealing with bad behavior that occurs between children, like fighting, we always try to emphasize that the relationship with the other child is more important than whatever it is they are fighting over.
Also, show grace and mercy when it isn't necessary. Choose to forgive and forget. Don't hold their past mistakes against them, just like you don't want that done to you. Discipline is such a teachable moment for everyone. Don't waste it!
To wrap things up, we know we are going to make mistakes as parents. We will make the wrong decision more than once as we raise our children. I think something that often gets overlooked is that our kids need to know we are learning along with them. They need to understand that mom and dad have struggles too. That we don't have all the answers. That we make mistakes. We need to be okay with showing our weaknesses to our children and owning up to when we do wrong. Apologize to your kids. Ask for their forgiveness. They follow our example. Teaching vulnerability and honesty is so important. I have to apologize almost every day to my kids for overreacting to them. But even though it is embarrassing, or gives up a little of our control, these are the sweetest moments.
What are some discipline techniques that are helpful for your children? What are some areas that you would like some guidance in? I'd love to hear your thoughts, feedback, advice, and even other resources on discipline!
with grace,
Kate