How I wish things were different for mothers today. I wish we all had the support we yearn for and felt as strong and confident as we all really are. But sadly this is not the case. I have been wanting to write this for the past nearly 8 weeks, but have held off. I feel like what I have to say may be "taboo." I have been afraid of what people will think. If they will understand. If they will judge me. If they will think I'm ungrateful, or petty, or dramatic. But I'm not going to let that fear hold me back. This is just my story, my thoughts, my feelings. And chances are if I have felt this way, perhaps someone else has too. I honestly think we should all try to be a little bit more aware of how others might be thinking and feeling before we say things...especially pertaining to birth and postpartum, when women, understandably, are at a vulnerable point physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Unfortunately, women can be cruel. We get caught up in the competition and comparison. Yes, me too. And instead of evaluating before we speak, we don't hesitate to share our opinion. I really want to talk about mom-shaming, but maybe from a different angle than has been expressed. But one that I have felt so much. Birth stories and postpartum recovery.
First, I love birth stories. I love reading them. I feel inspired and encouraged by what EACH momma goes through to bring their precious children into the world. I love writing out my own experiences because I hope that it is not only therapeutic for me but also encouraging to other mommas as I find them to be. I've had three different births. Three different experiences. I try my best to gauge a situation before I share, sincerely hoping to be authentic and life-giving when I do.
I am not calling anyone out, as this conversation has happened numerous times, and as I am sure I have fallen into this trap too. I am also not looking for pity or to be validated in anyway, but honestly to bring awareness. Many women may not have the tough skin that I (generally) do after 3 births and could really take offense if they are struggling in a way you don't know about. But here is how sharing my latest story has played out.
So it was a normal labor if there is such a thing. No complications, everything pretty smooth. It was extremely slow at the beginning without much progress, but then went from 5/6ish centimeters to a baby in less than 30 minutes. That's a whole dang lot of progress in a short time, and it freaking hurt and was stupid hard. But my response from many people was "Oh how easy! Mine took so many hours of pushing and I was so exhausted and that longer labor was so painful...yada, yada, yada." Okay. Yes, that does not sound ideal. But why does your experience negate mine? Why does your "hard" birth make mine "easy-peasy"? NO BIRTH IS A CAKE WALK. THEY ALL SUCK. Telling someone what they went through was easy compared to your experience is so damaging. Yes, it was short at the end, but my body still did the same thing as every other woman's body that has a baby. I was still in immense pain. I went home with a newborn and 3 other children under 5. I didn't get much help and recovery was really hard on me physically and emotionally. I don't need you to belittle my experience, to make me question my pain, and worth, and significance because it was "easier." It really cut deep to have people think that I somehow wasn't suffering, that I didn't need support or help. Because I did. But I felt ashamed to ask for it or even speak it to some people because they had already made up in their mind that I was way more okay than they were. Would they think I am weak or dramatic because what I went through wasn't hard, yet I still needed help?
Another part that played into this was how I chose to recover. The day after my son was born, my husband had a weekend-long retreat for his youth ministry...he's the pastor. There was not much we could do, he had to be there. He spent less time there than he would have, and we have some awesome volunteers that picked up the slack, but I was still without him for a majority of the time. This sucked so bad, and I'll write more about that later, but because of this I chose to go to church that Sunday to hear him preach. Yes, 3 days after my son was born, I was at church. Why? Was it because I felt great and was recovering quickly? No, it was because the opposite. It was because it was easier to bring my other 3 kids to children's ministry and sit with just my baby than to stay at home. And I desperately wanted to feel close to my husband, so listening to him preach was what I could get. I was also nearly back to pre-pregnancy size.
My being out and about and being small again added in with my birth story sealed the deal that I was doing just fine. Though inside I was desperately lonely. I'm literally crying just reliving this in my mind.
Comments like "Who had that baby for you?" or "When I had my baby, I couldn't get out of bed for weeks I felt so bad," struck a chord. I carried my baby, I did the work, and I wouldn't be here if I had the choice to be home with my husband. I was tired, in pain, an emotional wreck, and missed my husband terribly. But that's not what the outside showed, so very few people asked how I really was.
Also - side note rant - over a dozen people have approached me on social media wanting me to join their fitness program or use their weight loss products. I am not even 8 weeks postpartum. Why are we as women playing into this? Why do we have to 'bounce back after baby' so quickly? This is wrong on so many levels. Leave these beautiful women alone that are getting zero sleep and doing all they can to love and care for their babies. Leave their bodies out of it.
Again, I don't want pity. I know that many similar comments were made out of love and genuineness and followed with concern for how I really was. I have some amazing friends that I could vent to and that have supported me tremendously. But not all women have that. And many women suffer from postpartum issues. Please be aware that what we see may not be the case, and what we say can really impact. Choose your words with care. Press in and ask how that new momma really is. Empower them and encourage them.
You are significant. Your story matters. Whether you had a natural child-birth at home, an epidural at the hospital, or a scheduled c-section, your body birthed a human, and you are a freaking badass for doing it! Whether you are back to pre-baby size or need to buy new jeans, your body is beautiful! Give yourself grace because you did a crazy hard work. And whether you choose to stay home in bed all snuggled up or to get out of the house because it's driving you bonkers, do what is healthiest for you emotionally and physically. Lean in to those around you. Ask for help when needed.
But most of all be confident, you are truly amazing, momma.
in grace,
Kate