This is just going to be an outpouring of my heart and what I have been thinking/feeling recently. It is not meant to be dramatic, or to be complaining. It doesn’t warrant any encouragement or affirmations of “how great a mother” I am. I don’t need any half-hearted Christian phrases. I’m really only writing to process and hope it helps someone else process too. I love my children, and we have many good moments in our days, but these moments are few in comparison to the strife and struggle that seem to occupy most of our day.
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Frankly, many days I do not like being a mother. I feel so defeated. There is always whining, crying, fighting. I don’t like doing the dishes, or the laundry, or cleaning pee off the floor. I don’t like the disobedience and the reprimanding. I don’t like having to deal with the same thing over and over and over again. It’s so frustrating. I feel lost in the day to day life without room to pursue passions or dream or breathe. It wears me down. And I feel lifeless. Why don’t they listen? Why can’t there be peace? Why is it so hard? Why am I not happy?
I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m frustrated. What is the purpose in this, God? Where is Your goodness, Your freedom, Your joy?
What is the purpose in the pain? What’s the purpose in sleepless nights? What’s the purpose in the fighting and the waiting?
I’m so worn down. I’m tired. I am on the ground.
But You’re on the ground with me. You’re constant. You’re there. You’re not asking too much of me. You are okay with my vulnerable heart. You’re okay with my doubts. Your mercy is here.
Even if mercy is just not leaving or giving up. Even if mercy is just continuing on, still questioning, still wrestling, but still walking forward. Even if mercy is just one smile, one hug, one scribbled art under your pillow at night. Even if mercy doesn’t mean you’re okay yet, and you see that process as long and hard, but that one day it will be worth it. Even if mercy is just one more chance to make a better decision than last time, one more opportunity to grow. Your mercy is there. And you give it freely.
There is nothing to prove to You. You still hold on when I feel like letting go. You pick me up and dust me off, over and over again.
I am probably late to the game on this one, but this song has given me hope and helped me to see that even though I feel lost, I am not alone.
"Highs & Lows" Hillsong
When it feels like the dark
Lingers longer than the night
When the shadows feel like giants
Are You chasing me down
Tell me where could I run
From Your light where could I hide
Hemmed within Your precious thoughts
There's no hiding from Your love
Highs and lows
Lord You're with me either way it goes
Should I rise or should I fall
Even so
Lord Your mercy is an even flow
You're too good to let me go
Should I dance on the heights
Or make my bed among the depths
Your mercy waits at every end
Like You planned it from the start
Should the dawn come with wings
Or find me far-side of the sea
There Your hand still fastens me
Ever closer to Your heart
Highs and lows
Lord You're with me either way it goes
Should I rise or should I fall
Even so
Lord Your mercy is an even flow
Should I rise or should I fall
You are faithful through it all
You're too good to let me go
Highs and lows
You surround me either way it goes
Should I rise or should I fall
Lord You're with me through it all
Highs and lows
In the rhythms of Your grace I know
Should I rise or should I fall
You are faithful through it all
And You're too good to let me go
with grace,
Kate