Frankly, many days I do not like being a mother. I feel so defeated. There is always whining, crying, fighting. I don’t like doing the dishes, or the laundry, or cleaning pee off the floor. I don’t like the disobedience and the reprimanding. I don’t like having to deal with the same thing over and over and over again. It’s so frustrating. I feel lost in the day to day life without room to pursue passions or dream or breathe. It wears me down. And I feel lifeless. Why don’t they listen? Why can’t there be peace? Why is it so hard? Why am I not happy?
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A lot has changed since I first became pregnant. I graduated college. My husband and I started in full-time ministry. We bought a house. We got pregnant again. We bought a car. We've done renovations. We've pursued other projects. But mostly, I have changed as a person. And honestly, I don't fully know what that all means. I know that I am less confident and more insecure than I used to be. I know that I love more and have a heart for justice more than before. I am more stressed and depressed and angry. I treasure time alone and find pleasure in simple things. My house is dirtier and I have less time for relationships, but the relationships I still have are stronger and more meaningful. We have less money but have become more creative in making ends meet. I feel farther from God but see Him in new ways around me. It's like I'm growing and changing without knowing it or understanding how…
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