A lot has changed since I first became pregnant. I graduated college. My husband and I started in full-time ministry. We bought a house. We got pregnant again. We bought a car. We've done renovations. We've pursued other projects. But mostly, I have changed as a person. And honestly, I don't fully know what that all means. I know that I am less confident and more insecure than I used to be. I know that I love more and have a heart for justice more than before. I am more stressed and depressed and angry. I treasure time alone and find pleasure in simple things. My house is dirtier and I have less time for relationships, but the relationships I still have are stronger and more meaningful. We have less money but have become more creative in making ends meet. I feel farther from God but see Him in new ways around me. It's like I'm growing and changing without knowing it or understanding how.
It's been very emotionally taxing for me. Focusing on the negative is easy. Letting all the change weigh me down and confuse me is easy. Being irrational is easy, especially with less sleep. I feel like I have been in a cycle that is hard to get out of. Playing the same thoughts over and over in my head. Wishing I could make sense of it all but being scared to face everything head on.
After living in defeat for a very long time, I have decided to become a student of myself. Trying to keep track of the things that bring me joy and the things that cause me anxiety. Physically writing down when I feel certain emotions and the circumstances involved. It's hard. I feel like some days I am re-learning how to live. Re-learning how to be confident, to have social interactions, and to spend time with God. I am finding new triggers for frustration and anxiety that just weren't there before, and I'm having to change how I manage daily tasks in order to avoid them.
It is a very intentional process, and I realize my need for grace and mercy more than ever before. When I am not alert and focused, I slip right back into the condemning thoughts and knee-jerk reactions. I used to pray for these thoughts and circumstances not to happen. I was so frustrated with God for not taking away my anxiety or fixing the problems that I felt sent me spiraling. I have been in such a weird place with God, feeling like He didn't care about my daily struggle at home. But I learned something recently while writing devotions for Reading Truth. I needed to change my approach in my prayer life. Instead of resenting how my days end up, wondering why God didn't just magically change them for me, I needed to be praying for grace and mercy during those times where I feel like all is lost. I need His eyes to see how He is shaping those moments to shape me into a better wife, mother, and friend. It is through Him that I am learning about myself, my true self, the one where Jesus encourages and strengthens me. Where I can see the triggers put in my path from the Enemy to get me distracted, and where I can respond through the truth of Jesus instead of reacting out of insecurity and fear. Now I am striving to let mercy and grace change me, instead of the worthless cycles I create.I am so thankful for this new mindset He has given me. I am able to love my kids, my husband, and myself more. I have so far to go in learning this, but I am encouraged with the start.
In Truth,
Kate
*If you are a mother, or want to be one, I'd love for you to join our little community, Sharing Motherhood on Facebook. We go through different topics each week and are able to share how this crazy journey is affecting our lives. It is a safe, encouraging place to be you.