Whew. What a topic to be vulnerable about.
This year, I have been part of Go Teams by Go and Tell Gals and one of our coaching sessions was on fear.
Before this, I would not have considered myself a fearful person. Fear wouldn’t be something I would confess in a small group or ask for prayer over. Besides the fear of safety (city living, y’all) I didn’t know I was fearful.
I do, however, play it safe. And that is just another way to say fearful.
I took A LOT of notes during this session. I finally began realizing what has been holding me back from answering the questions I’ve been asking myself and God for a long time. I was afraid to hear the answer. Afraid of movement. Because change is scary.
It’s really easy to identify the fear of failure. What if you pursue something and fall flat on your face? This type of fear is talked about a lot, and most people have a pretty firm grasp on what that means.
But what I realized during this session is that what I fear is success and comparison.
If I didn’t live with fear, I’d be doing things. Honestly, I’m scared to give up fear because I don’ know what living without it looks like. It feels unsafe, risky.
I understand my life now. Even though many days I am unfulfilled and exhausted from not pursing things that give me life, I know what my life is. I can wrap my head around my days. I know what to expect. I am safe, even though I am not happy.
But is where I am living abundant life?
I think abundance takes risk. It takes putting yourself out there, despite fear, to really experience life.
So what are some specific things I’ve been fearful of, that I didn’t even really know and definitely never vocalized?
What will happen if I actually pursue something? How will our family dynamics change? Will my kids be okay? Will they miss me? Can Greg handle the kids during the day? Do I have enough in me to balance both motherhood and other calling? What will slip or fall through? What will I have to say no to?
What if I’m asked to do scary things? How can I handle more being asked of me? What if spiritual warfare comes along with it?
What will other people think of me working? What if no one sees and my work seems worthless? What if people think I’m being selfish? How will people view me if I fail? How will they view me if I’m successful?
What if I am successful? Do I have the capacity to be successful? Will I be able to support Greg and his calling if I have my own? What if I’m more successful than Greg? Will he get jealous? Will he support me? What if people think I’m just trying to be like him, or follow in his footsteps? That I don’t have my own mind and am just trying to get ahead using his platform and success? What if people think I just want to be something or someone? Will they trust me, believe me?
Even as I write this, I’m trying to find things to do to distract myself. I love writing. But it’s hard to put myself out there. As much as I would love to write and have many people read my words and be impacted, I don’t know if I can handle it. It’s scary. There are plenty of other things that need to be done that could easily fill my day. I don’t NEED to anything else. But I do.
So, I challenge you. Sit down and write out your fears. Lay it all out there. Let it be messy and dirty and scary. And then work through them. Talk to your spouse, a friend, a mentor. Take action steps to battle those thoughts.
One of my first steps was to talk these through with Greg. Obviously, a lot of my fears were related to him. It was a conversation which ironically lined up with some deep marriage work at a marriage conference. I don’t know if I would have felt comfortable telling him those things without it. Funny how God’s timing works out. (Maybe I’ll share more marriage stuff if you’re interested, it’s definitely harder to be open about but I know a lot of people might be struggling too.) And he was totally loving and supportive, of course. None of my fears of him were even remotely reality.
I don’t know, but I bet a lot of you are like me. Fearful but you don’t know it. It could be about anything: a relationship, motherhood, a job, a move, a friendship, a calling, a health situation, a financial strain. God doesn’t want you to be bogged down by fear. He wants you to move in obedience toward Him. Growing in trust, in faith, and joy. No matter what changes, God is still good.
Love you all,
Kate